In relationships, rather than being about some new thing we desire, or some old thing we wish to change, resolution is about what to do in the face of conflict. Many times we create a relationship which is working well until we hit a conflict. We are not taught how to resolve conflicts in this reality. We are taught instead about the value of ‘communication’.
Communication never works. The idea that “Communication solves all problems.” is a lie. Most people’s idea of communication is to impel their point of view at us. Impelling a point of view is using force to get someone to align and agree with. It is actually delivering a command but in a nice, polite way.
If you align and agree with the other person’s point of view it’s “communication;” if you disagree with it or resist and react then its “confrontation.” When you are not communicating then you have to confront one another and that’s what creates the fight for the rightness of your point of view.
What if instead of fighting for your point of view, and having to give up parts of yourself in order to ‘work with’ your partner, you began to ask questions instead?
Your first great tool for 2014: Ask, “What questions can we ask that will create a different possibility?”
Communication and confrontation are two sides of the same coin. They are the pretense that you are trying to have awareness. If you have awareness you don’t have to confront anything, you just have to allow it to be what it is.
Giving information is not communication. Providing information or gathering information creates awareness. Exchanging information is about creating more awareness, not about solving a problem.
Awareness always leads to choice! How would it be for you and your partner to create more choices within your relationship?
We are taught that we must “problem solve” in our relationships. Problem solving closes of awareness, question, possibility, choice and contribution! Instead of solving or RE-solving problems, ask questions that will lead to further possibilities!
Communication is never a two way street. It’s always delivered at you. There is no information being exchanged in order to create possibility.
Instead of saying, “We need to talk about this.” Ask questions.
“What else could we create here?”
“What would be fun for us?”
“How can we make this work to our advantage?”
When you use this tool, everyone has to come out of the rightness of their point of view and go into question, which creates choice and possibility from awareness! This allows things to move and shift into change so that you can contribute and be contributed to!
Here’s to a happy new year filled with wonderful moments of contribution to you and from you in your relationships! Use the tool of asking questions instead of “needing to communicate” and you’ll find fewer and fewer moments of ‘resolution’ will be necessary in your world!
Susan Lazar Hart.